Playing The Cards You’re Dealt

Life does not hand you breaks. Life does not give you what you think you are owed. It will get better is something I get told a lot. Often it either doesn’t, or it does but not to the extent you need it to. I always have had the outlook that you shouldn’t worry because there is always someone worse off than you, 99% of the time that is true. The problem is everyone’s problems are relative to them. You could be a homeless man with a booze problem, could be worse, you could be an ISIS captive in Syria. Millionaire on a yacht has just lost five hundred thousand pounds in a casino, could be worse, you could be normal and not have a yacht or have five hundred thousand pounds to blow on roulette. Your problems are relative to you and your life, and they will always seem shit to you.

Now a lot of the time these problems can be solved, sometimes they can’t and you have to deal with it. The worst ones are the things that really shouldn’t be a problem, and should get solved, but for one reason or another they don’t. I’m 28 still living at home, not earning anywhere near as much as I would like, can’t afford to move out, live month to month, can’t afford to save, will probably never ever be able to afford to actually buy a house, stressed out at work, I shit in a bag for the rest of my life, just been told 2 chambers in my heart are only working at anywhere between fifty-five and sixty-five percent and will need meds for the rest of my life. You think life would cut you a break at some point. It doesn’t. You have to make your own breaks. However, this seems harder than trying to crack a safe, in the dark with a rubber hammer.

I don’t want things handed on a plate to me but I wouldn’t mind being able to get a foot in the door at least. At 28 I’m watching my friends get married, buy property, start families, getting ahead in careers and generally making lives for themselves. I’m still lagging behind living like a 19-year-old in their first job. I got accepted into a job I would have love to have made a career out of in the ambulance service. The week before I was due to start I ended up in A&E in the Royal London Hospital and ended up staying there for 2 months, so that knocked that on the head for the time being. There was no real job security as well because due to the amount of time I had off in the past 2 years before that meant that if I had 1 day off in my first year with them they could have taken the job off me. I’m now in a job that I enjoy with fantastic people, but at times like any other line of work it gets stressful and sometimes demoralising. To compound matters, we have just have had the awful premature loss of an integral, well loved, hilarious member of staff who passed away. She was remembered in an amazing and individual fashion whereby, as per her wishes, we all turned up to her funeral in our pyjamas. Jesus Christ did we get some funny looks. She wouldn’t have had it any other way. In the short time I knew this lady you could see that she had an infectious wicked sense of humour and always had a smile on her face regardless of the intense battles she was fighting every day. She put up a fight to the end, a fight she ultimately lost but none the less a fight any battle hardened soldier would have won medals for.

Recently we also found out we are now due to lose another key member of our team due to changing circumstances in her personal life, our mother hen, the lady that manages to control 3 feral undomesticated men on a daily basis whilst managing a branch, the lady that is always there to talk to when we would rather take to an elevated position with a high powered rifle, our branch manager Tracy. It will be with a heavy heart that we see her go but now that she’s going to be a lady of leisure enjoying the sun and her grandchildren, we can’t argue with that. I’d probably leave as well. I’m debating a sex change just for the lady of leisure title.

Life has its ups and down but it’s how you deal with them and what you make of it. Sure some days you can’t face getting out of bed and you’re strongly debating on whether it’s worth wrapping your car around a lamppost on the way into work just enough for a couple off weeks of work rather than actually turn up. Then you have great days where you feel really productive, get loads done, have a laugh and can’t wait for tomorrow. You have to take the rough with the smooth. This is the same with any job, and life in general. To quote Alexandra Dumas,

“Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes.”

Most people you encounter on a daily basis are fighting battles. Big or small, long term or short term, everyone is fighting. I want to do everything I can to move myself as far forward with my life in the time I have. At the moment I’m fighting to better my life but limited by my dysfunctional and constantly misbehaving body in the form of a pair of angry siblings. Senior Dickhead le Digestive system, which to be fair seems to be behaving for once and of course how could we forget my crappy cardiac friend, my heart, being too hyperactive and then being rubbish and only working at half pace. Still you have to crack on and make the best of things, it’s not the end of the world.

We had the Olympics recently, two of the swimmers had Crohn’s. Now a lot of articles read “Olympic athletes overcome/beat their Crohn’s disease” ( ) which is fantastic but slightly misleading. It gives the impression this illness can be beaten, which sadly is not the case. It can’t always be beaten. Yeah some people will suffer with next to no symptoms, or only mild ones. However, there are people that can’t beat this illness no matter how hard they try, no matter how hard they fight. There have been a couple of articles recently about people that fell like they take flak for allegedly faking or exaggerating their illness because they also go out and have fun and live their lives. I do it. There used to be a few years of my life where I couldn’t leave the house, then when I got to a certain level I could go on a night out, as long as I didn’t eat for 24 hours before hand and even then on the night out I’d have to go and use dodgy bogs a few times a night and often ran the risk of an unauthorised bombing run for want of a better word. Then the day after I would spend firmly attached to the bog with my laptop and a packet of wet wipes from the freezer but it was a price I was happy to pay so that I didn’t miss out on the last year of university.Photogrid hidden battle.jpg

We might not look like it, but we are all fighting battles. Don’t always be quick to judge if you see someone who looks perfectly abled walking out of a disabled toilet or if you see someone you know with a chronic condition or illness out having fun. You don’t always know the outer half of the coin. Untill next time I will continue to crack on with my plans of world domination. I’m just taking the scenic route.

Just remember, you’re never out of the fight.

Till the next instalment of hate, stay safe.




It’s time to book into Dignitas

What world we live in today. Half of my friends are getting married and having kids, the other half are running around catching Pokemon. We have a new unelected Prime Minister who I wouldn’t trust to preside over a toddler’s birthday party let alone run a country. Bad apples in the American police are showing that they have a total lack of discipline potentially causing a race war, only to be compounded by mentally unstable polar opposites who think the best idea is to then go out and shoot other police officers.

Our world seems to currently be on a severe downward spiral to chaos. We have Daesh/ISIS running around the middle east coming up with the most imaginative ways to execute men women and children, North Korea is basically one large concentration camp, the EU is having a mid-life crisis with an angry teenage Britain that wants to move out, America is potentially about to elect a retarded version of Hitler, they are also about 2 gunfights away from a full blown race war and as usual its pissing it down in summer time. I wonder how we would act as a planet if our average life expectancy was 1000 years and we were being attacked by aliens. We would be far more worried about our long term problems and working together instead of this constant narrative of looking after your own isolationism.

One of my big gripes is the machine gun wielding, black clad psychopaths with imaginary friends running around the middle east executing anyone that doesn’t toe their line. I have read and seen horrendous things. Children being crucified, men being blown up in various ways, burning people alive, drowning human beings in a cage with cameras attached to it so they catch every painful, panic filled, terrifying last seconds of those men’s lives, crushing people’s heads with rocks, stoning’s, being thrown off buildings, decapitations, the list goes on. Now one could argue that due to our involvement in the Iraq war, you know that one that the Chilcott inquiry just said essentially we didn’t need to have? We are partly responsible for this, we caused a massive power vacuum and we had no long term plan with what to do once we had gone in and remove Saddam and his government.  So now ISIS are running around trying to create their own little backwards country. Please explain why on earth we are letting this carry on? I know it’s not only this issue, we could pick any horrendous violation of human rights like North Korea, certain places within Africa, Mexican drug cartels, the list goes on.

Yet most of the world stands idly by. Not too fussed because it doesn’t directly affect them. After discovering the concentration camps we said never again will this happen. Erm guys, it is. It is happening, in various formats around the world.

Why as a planet do we allow these people and groups to carry on in such a manner. I’d like to think if Theresa May forgot to take her pills and started publicly executing anti-fox hunters and supporters of gay marriage at least one country would go hold on a minute, we should probably give those poor sods a hand. Yes, we have sent some drones, planes and special forces over to support local opposition in Syria and Iraq and I know it’s not a clear cut situation but do we, as a responsible country, stand up and say we won’t stand for that and go and put boots on the ground. I am well aware that one outcome of this would be some loss of British lives and the argument will be its not our problem, but it is, we helped created it and the fact that as human beings we should help those in need.

The other day I was standing at the entrance to Barnet Hospital when I heard a commotion about 50 meters away in the car park. A lady began to shout for someone to get security. I could see one man leaning into a car and screaming and most people just standing and watching. So I walked across to find a man in his 50’s screaming and shouting at an elderly lady sat in her car. What had transpired was the man was waiting to reverse into this disabled parking spot and the elderly lady had failed to see him and pulled into the space. So ok the British thing to do would be to tut, mutter wanker under your breath then drive around for twenty minutes looking for another parking space. Hell no, this bloke went full Gordon Ramsey on this poor old dear and managed to fire of a string of expletives longer than the Geneva convention at her and when the old lady had dare try to show her disabled parking badge to him he snatched it off her then viciously threw it back. So at this point I and a few other people shouted at him to calm the fuck down with a bit more gusto and he turned round and realised myself and a stocky nurse were stood behind him looking none too pleased and that he had gathered the attention of most of the car park. Then it begins, oh but I’ve got this wrong with me, my wife’s disabled I’m stressed. Yeah mate it’s a hospital, it’s not like people come here for a nice day out, I shit in a bag, get over it. Most people here have something wrong with them. I informed the fella that regardless of whether the older lady had nicked his space or not, his reaction was totally unjustified and uncalled for. Luckily security arrived and escorted the bloke away leaving the older lady in tears being comforted by hospital staff. The problem was there was at least 20 people much closer than me standing by doing nothing but watch. The nurse that got involved walked about as far as I did to get involved. Yes, it’s a smaller scale but we as people seem to be quite happy just to stand by while others harmed in some way. I know I’m drawing a comparison between two drastically different situations and I’m not suggesting we set up SAS teams in hospital car park bushes to call in apaches for car park road rage.

We are a funny planet. We aren’t perfect but its home. So for the time being we better make the most of it, look after it and look after each other. We need to stop killing people because their views are different from ours. However, that being said, if there are people that refuse to give that up and are adamant they will kill people that don’t agree with them, then let’s wipe them off the earth because in the long run they will only be a negative impact on humanity. Everyone should have freedom of choice, worship, expression, speech, love and every other choice a human should have.

Ah well. My biggest problem this week is I’ve spent most of my wages and we are in a long month. I’ve got about £20 to get me through the next 3 weeks. Good times.

Until the next instalment of hate, don’t assault old ladies in car parks or join ISIS.

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