As you may or may not be aware, to an extent I seem to have dropped off the face of the earth in regards to writing my blog. I have had this page open for days trying to write it but for some reason I cant.
So basically, after totally mentally preparing myself for this impending quite serious op I get a phone call no less than 48 hours before I am due to go in, informing me not to attend on Saturday and my operation is cancelled. EXCELLENT………do you detect a mint fresh hint of sarcasm? Basically I was put on a day surgery list not an inpatient list, the hospital realized this, and said that someone had made an error and put me on the incorrect list. When I asked if they had any idea of when I would now be looking at for surgery, they replied that basically they didn’t have a clue as I would have to be put on the correct list, and in effect start from scratch. Excellent.
I was so ready for that operation, for any outcome good or bad and then at the last second to have the rug pulled from under your feet and plunged back into uncertainty is pretty disheartening and shit quite frankly.
So shit in fact that I have had this document open for nearly a 2 weeks, unable to finish it because I am doing everything I can including drinking copious amounts of alcohol to ignore the fact that this has happened and I guess when I look at this I have no choice but to deal with that fact. On one hand, I’m so relieved that I haven’t had to have this operation. It’s a serious game changer, hopefully for the positive but I won’t be the same person I used to be and the big bit I worry about is how I’m going to see myself every day in a mirror, dealing with my self-image, and having scars, a bag, being comfortable around other people with it. To say I am shitting bricks is putting it mildly, I am terrified, honestly sometimes I think about it and the fear is so great that my stomach goes, like the split second after the rollercoaster takes that first massive drop. I also feel bad writing this, like I will offend people who have already had the op and are on the other side of the hill. I suppose really what it comes down to, is I’m scared how people will react, especially in different situations. I am sure that 99% of people will always react positively but there is always that cuntish 1% that will deal with it poorly. I mean don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their own opinions but sometimes maybe just dealing with something sensitively would make a whole world of difference.
Yyou know what, there will be people that can’t deal with it and find it disgusting or whatever but at least most people will be fucking polite about it. At the end of the day I’m having this operation to save my fucking life! If I don’t have it, then at some point I WILL DIE. You know what, fuck it, I don’t care. I have bigger fucking problems than worrying about what other people’s opinions are.
On the other hand, I just want it over and done with so I can go back to work and have an income again, and go out without constantly worrying where the fucking nearest toilets are. I mean at one point I was practically looking forward to it! So we are now knocking on for 2 weeks since I was meant to have it done and I have heard absolutely fuck all from the hospital. The biggest thing I hate is just this constant uncertainty and sitting in limbo waiting for a phone call that doesn’t appear to be coming any time soon . Now that I’ve been placed back into limbo I am nowhere near as mentally ready for it as I was and I’m going to have to go through the whole fucking process of psyching myself up again.
I’ve got a few scalpel blades, needles and thread, etc lying about from my design work, surely I could give it a crack, love a bit of home surgery 😛