Do you find some days everything just gets to you? You just are having “one of those days”? I’ve been sat for the last 2 hours researching every possible way I could try and blag my way into the army. It’s not going to happen, unless I can somehow blag to be the first test case for someone with an ostomy and crohn’s to try and join. What do you do when your told the one job you have wanted to do all your life is now off the table? Ever since I was a kid all I wanted to do was join up, the only reason I went to uni was to join as an officer. I don’t know. Guess it just wasn’t meant to be.
Some days it just really gets to me. I fucking hate this disease with every fibre of my being, I resent the fact I’m being forced to have surgery at 24 fucking years old! I know that it’s not the end of the world and that it could be a shit lot worse but some days I get fed up with smiling, joking and accepting it. I fucking hate this illness, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Sat on my bed at 24 years old, not able to work, get out of breath walking 2 minutes round the corner, waiting for an operation that might be in 6 weeks if I’m lucky. I did not picture my life turning out like this. All it has done is cripple me. I’m not the same person I was 7 years ago. I look at these people that hammer on with their illnesses and do amazing things and get on with life, but I physically cannot do that. THAT is what I hate more than anything!
On the one had I want this surgery over and done with because hopefully it should give me some semblance of a normal life back, however at the same time, I’m still furious I even have to have it in the first place. So fucked off with life. To top it all off I have run out some medication, my own fault not being organised. It’s not going to be ready till Saturday so I have another 2 days on top of the last 2 of withdrawal, meaning the most horrendous nightmares every night waking up caked in sweat. My own fault though. You would think I’d learn but this is about the 4th or 5th time I’ve done it.
Tomorrow I should be back to my perky cheerful self, but every now and then you have days like these. Got to keep soldiering on.