It’s always darkest before the dawn.

Do you find some days everything just gets to you? You just are having “one of those days”? I’ve been sat for the last 2 hours researching every possible way I could try and blag my way into the army. It’s not going to happen, unless I can somehow blag to be the first test case for someone with an ostomy and crohn’s to try and join. What do you do when your told the one job you have wanted to do all your life is now off the table? Ever since I was a kid all I wanted to do was join up, the only reason I went to uni was to join as an officer. I don’t know. Guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Some days it just really gets to me. I fucking hate this disease with every fibre of my being, I resent the fact I’m being forced to have surgery at 24 fucking years old! I know that it’s not the end of the world and that it could be a shit lot worse but some days I get fed up with smiling, joking and accepting it. I fucking hate this illness, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Sat on my bed at 24 years old, not able to work, get out of breath walking 2 minutes round the corner, waiting for an operation that might be in 6 weeks if I’m lucky. I did not picture my life turning out like this. All it has done is cripple me. I’m not the same person I was 7 years ago. I look at these people that hammer on with their illnesses and do amazing things and get on with life, but I physically cannot do that. THAT is what I hate more than anything!

On the one had I want this surgery over and done with because hopefully it should give me some semblance of a normal life back, however at the same time, I’m still furious I even have to have it in the first place. So fucked off with life. To top it all off I have run out some medication, my own fault not being organised. It’s not going to be ready till Saturday so I have another 2 days on top of the last 2 of withdrawal, meaning the most horrendous nightmares every night waking up caked in sweat. My own fault though. You would think I’d learn but this is about the 4th or 5th time I’ve done it.

Tomorrow I should be back to my perky cheerful self, but every now and then you have days like these. Got to keep soldiering on.

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3 thoughts on “It’s always darkest before the dawn.

  1. Well let’s do some Wii fit st home tomorrow …. medicine …. no comment ….. surgery will give you a better quality of life but above all those things I understand how angry you feel x

  2. This is exactly the reason why I decided to go into immunology. If I have to live with it…I at least want to know why the hell it happens. :/ Or heck, try to figure out another piece to the puzzle. But sometimes I wonder what I would have chosen for a career if I never had crohn’s…funny the way life works. Occasionally I find myself feeling like I sacrificed my life for a career that could help the greater good that I might not have chosen otherwise but who knows. At least I can still write music in my spare time!

  3. You are more than entitled to rage against the machine when having a bad IBD day. You would not be human otherwise. As for the military – been there, done that and had it royally screwed by Crohn’s Disease too. I could throw all sorts of “chin up” quotes at you but I won’t patronise you that way. What I do know is that you will get through it, in whatever way is right for you. You may not get to join the Army but you doubless already have a military mindset. Never underestimate just how much that can help you out.

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